Co-Grandparenting with Former In-Laws: Working Together for the Sake of the Grandkids
Life often brings changes that we don’t plan for—a divorce, separation, or a shift in family dynamics can affect everyone, especially when it comes to relationships with former in-laws. But one thing that doesn’t change, no matter how complex life gets, is the bond you share with your grandchildren. As you navigate this new chapter, there may be an opportunity to adopt an approach called "co-grandparenting" with your former in-laws. This can require effort, but it has the potential to be rewarding for everyone involved, especially the children.
So, what is co-grandparenting? Simply put, co-grandparenting means working together with another set of grandparents for the benefit of your grandkids. When former in-laws are involved, it can mean setting aside differences, shared history, or emotions from the past to ensure your grandchildren feel loved, supported, and surrounded by family.
Here’s how you can make co-grandparenting work—and why it’s worth trying.
Why Co-Grandparenting Matters
Children thrive in environments where they feel safe, loved, and supported. Grandparents have a unique ability to offer their love, wisdom, and presence, creating stability during moments of transition in family life. When grandchildren experience healthy relationships between their grandparents—regardless of past conflicts—it sends them an important message: family comes first, and they are surrounded by people who care.
Co-grandparenting also helps the parents. Divorced or separated parents are often emotionally stretched, juggling responsibilities, custody schedules, and the challenges of co-parenting themselves. Having both sets of grandparents working together harmoniously can lighten the load, offering stability and additional hands-on help when needed.
Most importantly, co-grandparenting allows you to truly enjoy the moments spent with your grandkids without unnecessary tension clouding gatherings. Birthdays, holidays, sports games, and school events become opportunities for joy, not a source of stress, when both sides are on good terms.
How to Co-Grandparent Successfully
Co-grandparenting with former in-laws isn’t always easy—especially if the history carries emotional wounds or unresolved conflicts. But with clear communication, patience, and shared goals, it can work beautifully. Here are tips to smooth the path:
1. Focus on the Kids
The ultimate goal of co-grandparenting is to prioritize the well-being of your grandchildren. Keep this at the forefront of your mind, even when emotions crop up or moments become challenging. The happiness and stability of your grandkids come first. Let this shared goal guide your conversations and decisions with your former in-laws.
2. Start Fresh
It’s often tempting to carry over past grievances into the current relationship, but it’s essential to approach co-grandparenting with a clean slate. Imagine this chapter is a new beginning—a chance to work together for the benefit of the next generation. Leave the divorce drama, hurt feelings, or blame behind in favor of cooperation and mutual respect.
3. Communication is Key
Good communication forms the foundation of healthy co-grandparenting. Discuss expectations, preferences, and schedules openly with your former in-laws. What are the boundaries for visits? How will holidays or shared events be handled? Keep lines of communication clear and consistent so there’s less room for misunderstandings.
If necessary, use neutral platforms like email or text messages to keep exchanges professional and focused.
4. Respect Each Other’s Roles
As grandparents, you may have different parenting styles, traditions, or approaches to how you spend time with the grandkids. Accept that your former in-laws may approach things differently than you do. Respect these differences while maintaining the shared understanding that both sides have your grandkids’ best interests at heart.
5. Be Flexible and Cooperative
Kids’ lives are often busy, with school, hobbies, summer camps, and other obligations filling their schedules. Flexibility is crucial when planning visits or events, especially between two sets of grandparents. Be willing to adapt when plans need tweaking, and always aim for cooperation rather than competition.
6. Keep Things Peaceful at Gatherings
At family events, emotions can sometimes arise when former in-laws are present. It’s crucial to remain civil and avoid negative conversations. Create a positive environment for your grandkids by showing kindness and mutual respect. If tensions exist, save private discussions for another time and keep the focus on celebrating together.
7. Seek Support If Needed
If co-grandparenting feels particularly challenging, don’t hesitate to seek guidance from a counselor or family mediator. Professionals can help navigate difficult emotions, build shared understanding, and set productive strategies. Teamwork doesn’t always happen overnight—it’s okay to seek help as you adjust to this new dynamic.
The Bigger Picture
Co-grandparenting with former in-laws isn’t about forgetting the past or pretending differences don’t exist. It’s about deciding to work together despite them—for the sake of the people who matter most: your grandchildren. Children flourish when their extended family shares in their happiness and milestones, showing them love from all directions.
By setting aside misunderstandings or old frustrations, you create a warm, stable family network—a gift that lasts a lifetime. You’re showing your grandchildren that no matter what life throws at you, family can always find a way to come together.
So, take a deep breath, open the door to co-grandparenting, and commit to making it work. It might just be the best decision you make for your grandkids—and for yourself. In the end, love and family always prevail.