Showing Vulnerability to Children: How to Do It Appropriately
As parents, guardians, or caregivers, we often feel the need to be strong for our children. We want to shield them from our struggles and show them a version of ourselves that is always capable, confident, and in control. While this instinct comes from love, showing vulnerability to children in an age-appropriate and thoughtful manner can teach them important life lessons. It lets them know that being human means experiencing ups and downs and that it’s okay to have moments of difficulty. In fact, sharing vulnerability the right way can build trust, foster emotional growth, and set the stage for healthy relationships.
Here’s how to show vulnerability to children appropriately and why it matters.
Why Showing Vulnerability is Important
- Normalizes Emotions
Children often look up to adults and believe they should always know the answers or feel confident. When adults show vulnerability honestly, it helps children understand that emotions like sadness, frustration, or confusion are normal for everyone. They learn that it’s okay to express feelings and that they don’t need to hide what they’re going through.
- Builds Trust
When adults open up about challenges or feelings in a way children can understand, it creates an environment of trust. Children may feel safer sharing their own struggles, knowing they won’t be judged or dismissed. This strengthens the bond between you and the child.
- Teaches Problem-Solving and Resilience
When you share how you’re working through a challenge, it shows children that problems are part of life, but they can be solved. Modeling persistence, reaching out for support, or finding solutions helps them develop resilience and problem-solving skills.
- Promotes Emotional Intelligence
By seeing an adult discuss and handle their emotions, children learn to identify and express their own feelings. This fosters emotional intelligence, a key skill for success in relationships and life.
How to Show Vulnerability Appropriately
Here are key guidelines for sharing your emotions or struggles thoughtfully and appropriately:
1. Keep It Age-Appropriate
It’s essential to tailor what you share to the child’s age and maturity level. Younger children (around 5–8 years old) don’t need to hear complex details about big struggles—they simply won’t understand. However, you can let them know that you’re having a hard day and share simple emotions like, “I feel tired today” or “I’m a little sad about my friend moving away.”
For older children and teenagers, you can share more nuanced challenges that encourage meaningful conversations: “I’ve been feeling stressed about work lately, but I’m trying to find ways to manage it better.”
2. Avoid Overwhelming Them
Children shouldn’t feel responsible for fixing your problems or be overwhelmed by adult challenges. Avoid sharing personal issues like financial stress, marriage difficulties, or health concerns in a way that might burden them. It's best to keep the focus on your feelings and how you're handling them, rather than all the complex details.
For example, instead of saying, “We might lose our house because we can’t pay the bills,” a better approach would be: “Things have been hard for us financially, but we’re working on it and finding ways to make it better.”
3. Use It as a Teaching Moment
Showing vulnerability can be an opportunity to teach children important lessons. For example, if you’re frustrated, explain what you are doing to calm down: “I had a hard day at work, but I’m taking some deep breaths now to feel better.” By modeling healthy coping strategies, you’re showing them how to deal with their own emotions positively.
4. Be Honest, But Not Dramatic
Be authentic when sharing emotions, but avoid making the situation feel overly serious or hopeless. If a child senses that you’re spiraling, they may feel emotionally unsafe or concerned about you. For instance, instead of saying, “I just don’t know how I’ll ever feel better,” say: “I’m feeling sad right now, but I know it’s okay to feel this way, and I’ll feel better soon.”
5. Invite Questions and Conversations
When you share vulnerability, encourage children to ask questions or share how they feel. This creates a two-way conversation and helps them understand your emotions better. It also gives you a glimpse into their perspective. For example, you might say, “Have you ever felt this way before? What helps you when you feel sad?”
What Not to Do
While showing vulnerability can have benefits, there are some things to avoid:
- Don’t Make the Child Responsible
Avoid putting the child in a "caretaker" role. It's not their job to solve your challenges or comfort you.
- Don’t Share Too Much
Oversharing can leave children confused, scared, or feeling overwhelmed. Stick to what they can manage.
- Don’t Suppress Always
At the same time, don’t pretend you never struggle or feel down. Children benefit from seeing an honest picture of life, as long as it’s appropriate.
Final Thoughts
Showing vulnerability to children appropriately can be a powerful way to help them grow emotionally, strengthen your connection, and teach valuable life lessons. It doesn’t mean sharing every detail or placing your burdens on their shoulders. Instead, it’s about being honest and thoughtful in the way you share, showing them that struggles are part of life and that there are healthy ways to manage challenging emotions.
By demonstrating openness, trust, and resilience, you’re giving children tools to navigate their own emotional worlds and build better relationships with others. Remember, it’s okay to let them see you’re human—it teaches them that they can be human, too.